Friday, July 20, 2012

Sick to my stomach...with homesickness

You can kiss your family & friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time, you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world, but a world lives in you. -Frederick Buechner

There have been a few times since I’ve arrived that I wish more than anything I could be back home with my family, sitting on my comfortable bed in my wonderfully-smelling house with Geoffrey playing games in the room next to me, my mom watching Ellen downstairs, and my dad cooking a delicious dinner. 

This moment is out shadowing all of those times.

The shooting in Colorado only makes it more real how far away I really am.  I’ve spent the majority of the day pondering the episode in my mind, and it hasn’t really hit me until now that it really happened.  I can’t stop thinking about my poor cousins, what they’ve seen, the unfortunate families who have suffered losses, the pain everyone must be feeling, and all of the hatred that penetrated from this incident. It breaks my heart; I normally try to find the goodness in everything and occurrences like these really and truly make my heart shatter.

How can there be so much suffering from the unreasonably insane actions of one individual?

I am feeling very lonely right now, my friend.  Though I have made very good acquaintances in my village, I have no one’s house I can really go to and cry.  My Peace Corps family is only a phone call away…and yet the phone servers have been down for the majority of the evening, which also means I am unable to access any internet. The only thing keeping me from feeling entirely alone right now is a little black and white puppy whose tail wags every time I look at him. 

Moments like these remind me of the sadness and hopelessness I felt when we lost Meghan and I wanted more than anything to be with my family in the hospital rather than a 2 hour plane ride away.

Only now I’m an 8 hour bus ride and an 18 hour plane ride away. 


I’m supposed to be having “movie night” with the neighborhood children tonight, but right now all I really want to do is crawl into bed and watch a feel-good movie that reminds me of home. 

I need to pick myself back up and thank my lucky stars that I am able to communicate with my family and that everything is okay for the now. I need to realize how thankful I am that I was sent to such a peaceful country with such understanding and warm people.  How, even though these brief moments of weakness may seem like they last forever, they are only brief paragraphs in this wonderful story I’m able to live. 

My friend Tate sent me a beautiful array of quotes the other day, one of which resonated with me deeply:

"Everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.”

Being so far away has really truly made me appreciate and love my home for the little things that I took advantage of before. 

And imagining being home again has made me appreciate new reasons to love being here.

Every little thing will be okay.

My heart goes out to those affected by the shooting in Aurora. May their souls find peace and may time heal their hurt.

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